- As a big Jeff Foxworthy
fan, and having lived in Central Florida for the better part of two decades, where they have both kinds of music, country AND western (with a nod to Harold Ramis
who scribbled that line into the "Animal House" screenplay), I have seen many of the things Foxworthy describes in his routine. I still remember the Tampa International Airport TSA officials arguing with the family who had used two igloo ice chests and four Piggly Wiggly bags as checked luggage.
That being said, I want to borrow that "You might be a redneck if" bit from Foxworthy, but with an Oscar's twist. In honor of all the good nip-tuck work that was on display on Oscar night, we present the Pop Culture Confidential version of You might have had too much plastic surgery if. Keep in mind, this is not to slight all the millions who have had a little work done or needed reconstructive surgery.
I'm all about using the resources medical science has to offer to feel good about yourself. But, just like the guy who has to get kicked out of the all you can eat Chinese buffet after six hours of grazing on Kung Pow Chicken, some people tend to overdo it, and we have a moral, if not legal, obligation to poke fun at them for our own amusement. Not really, but I'm going to, anyway.
You Might Have Had Too Much Plastic Surgery If
Actor Mickey Rourke.
• You have so many staples, pins and synthetics in your body, that the federal government now classifies your race as Cyborg.
• People mistake you for Cher
• Madame Toussaud tries to mount you on a display.
• Fishermen try to lure you with live bait.
• Larry King asks you to marry him.
• You want to marry Larry King.
• You are Joan Rivers
Now, there are some current Oscar nominees who have had some work done, to varying degrees of success. According to facial plastic surgeon Dr. D. J. Verret
, two past and current nominees - Mickey Rourke
and Penelope Cruz
- have had some work done, though I think we'll all agree that Penelope got her money's worth.
For instance, DJ told me that Mickey Rourke has "pixie ear." I mean, if you look at the guy, there isn't anything about him that screams "pixie," although I now have a mental image of him dressed as a pixie, which is likely to keep me up all night. Thanks, DJ.
"Pixie ear is a condition that occurs when the ear lobe is somewhat absorbed into the main structure of the neck because of the after effects of a facelift," said DJ, author of Patient Guide to Cosmetic Facial Procedures (www.innovationsfps.com).
Okay, that explains a lot, but, ewww, okay? Well, at least he doesn't have a parentheses on his nose, like Cruz.
"Penelope Cruz has a parenthesis deformity of her nose which points to a rhinoplasty," DJ told me. "This mild deformity develops after surgery, when the tissue at the tip of the nose curves together to form what looks like tiny opposite parentheses. That's not a naturally occurring phenomenon. You only get that when someone's had surgery."
Does that mean every time she sneezes, she has to do it in the middle of a sentence?
Now, the good doctor, who specializes in face work, understands how popular injectables like Botox are today, but stresses that the longer lasting results are derived from the more invasive procedures like facelifts and nose jobs. And if it can help earn people an Oscar nod, just think about what it might do when you're trying to get noticed by the cute guy in accounting. Not the one with the lisp. The one with the Porsche