The Hamptons.com Summer 2012 Social Itinerary

The Hamptons in the summertime has become a playground for the rich, famous, and egregiously photogenic. It's "Where the Hedge Fund Managers and Russell Simmons Play," kind of like a sun-soaked translation of a NATO Summit meeting, but with much more cosmetic dentistry.

And with all the items on the social calendar, not having a plan of attack is like attempting to do the butterfly in a whirl pool of angry breast-strokers. Here to help you make the most out of your summer: the Hamptons.com Summer 2012 Social Itinerary, your ticket to ride in style to the season's best events, whether you're a single-mingler, wrangler of children, or of more philanthropic sensibilities.

Heed the word of the list below, and remember, the more you know (a) the less you have to watch PSA's about knowing more, and (b) the less you'll have to worry about being bored this summer:

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE FEELING FAMOUS AND VERY ATTRACTIVE:

1. ACRIA Cocktails at Sunset (Sagaponack) - Presented by Giorgio Armani at the home of artist Ross Bleckner, the benefit for the AIDS Community Research Initiative of America has brought out the upper crust of the art and fashion industries in years past, including Rachel Zoe, Stefano Tonchi, Kelly Klein, along with a busload of hipsters looking to catch a glimpse of Calvin Klein sans bodyguard (literally). (Saturday, June 21st, tickets available at ACRIA.org)

Bob DeLuca, Nicole Miller, Ina Garten, and Alec Baldwin at "Barefoot Under the Stars" for Group for the East End (Photo: Liam McMullan / PatrickMcMullan.com)

2. 13th Annual Love Heals Gala at Luna Farm (Sagaponack) - With old school carnival games, haystacks and BBQ, this celebration of Love Heals' 20th anniversary of HIV awareness and prevention prides itself on its low-key atmosphere. Pay no attention to the Sonja Morgan in sky-high stilettos sashaying across the dance floor. (July 7, 2012, visit LoveHeals.org/Luna to purchase tickets)

3. Art for Life (East Hampton) - Join Russell Simmons and his closest friends -- Mary J. Blige, Jennifer Hudson, Gwyneth Paltrow and hundreds more - for a celeb-studded event to benefit arts education for NYC youth. (Date TBD, information available at RushPhilanthropic.org)

4. The Hamptons Tea Dance (Water Mill) - Join the Empire State Pride Agenda for an always-festive celebration with cocktails, dancing, and throngs of incredibly handsome men who will probably tell you that they love your shoes. (Saturday, July 14th, get tickets at PrideAgenda.org)

5. Great Chefs Dinner (Bridgehampton) - Join Chefs Josh Capon and Harold Dieterle, and others for a five-star dining experience that'll have people who think waiting on line is never worth it putting their feet (and other delicious things) in their mouths. (Saturday, July 28th, visit GreatChefsDinner.com for tickets)

WHEN "GOING LOCAL" INVOLVES A VERY FANCY OUTFIT:

1. Ninth Annual Live @ Club Starlight (East Hampton) - Featuring an exclusive set from soul legend Roberta Flack, start the season right at the Ross School's major annual fundraising event, featuring a slew of sponsors so long - including Elie Tahari, Cynthia Rowley, John Varvatos, Wolffer Estate and more - you know the gift bag is going to be legendary. (Saturday, June 2nd, tickets available at Ross.org/Starlight)

Beth Ostrosky Stern and Katie Lee at Author's Night for the East Hampton Library (Photo: Patrick McMullan / PatrickMcMullan.com)

2. Group for the East End 40th Anniversary Benefit + Auction (Sagaponack) - The yearly gala at Wolffer Estate garners attention from the most loyal of celebrity Hamptonites - including host Alec Baldwin, Ina Garten, Andre Balazs, and others - looking to raise funds and awareness for environmental issues affecting the East End, and kick up their feet at a dance party like Ronald Reagan is still in office. (Saturday, June 23rd at 6PM, purchase tickets at GroupForTheEastEnd.com)

3. Parrish Art Museum Midsummer Party (Southampton) - Join the East End institution in commemorating their move from the historic Jobs Lane location to Water Mill, with an evening that in the past has drawn of likes of Nicole Miller, Joel Gray, John Chamberlain, Kelsey Grammer, and plenty of other people whose taste in art is probably very expensive. (Saturday, July 14th, order tickets at ParrishArt.org)

4. Southampton Hospital's 54th Annual Summer Party (Southampton) - Things to expect from this yearly gathering of socialite black belts: catering by Robbins Wolfe, a rainstorm of diamonds from the jewel chairs at Graff Diamonds, and a plethora of differently sized forks for which you may announce a toast. Clink! (Saturday, August 4th at 6:30PM, visit SouthamptonHospital.org for more information)

5. Author's Night at the East Hampton Library (East Hampton) - Co-Founded by East End institution, Alec Baldwin and previously featuring the likes of David Baldacci, Nelson Demille, and Kelly Killoren Bensimon, this lavish literary evening brings together dozens of authors and celebrities who write books alike, for a communal signing, cocktail hour, and dinner party, all to benefit the East Hampton Library. (Date TBD, stay in touch at AuthorsNight.org)

WHEN THE BABYSITTER DECIDES TO DOUBLE HER DAILY RATE:

1. Kites for a Cure (Southampton) - Kids, kites, Cooper's Beach, and the satisfaction of raising funds for Uniting Against Lung Cancer: an ideal equation for family fun under the sun, so long as untangling string is not on your "things-I-refuse-to-do" list. (Saturday, May 26th from 4 - 6PM, register online at UnitedAgainstLungCancer.org/Events/Kites/SH12)

Andre Balazs at "Barefoot Under the Stars" for Group for the East End (Photo: Liam McMullan / PatrickMcMullan.com)

2. Waffle Day at Children's Museum of the East End (Bridgehampton) - Every Sunday, the patient, patient gentlefolk at CMEE will invite throngs of children to consume circus-themed waffles of their own creation, veritably the most exciting thing to happen to kids' breakfast since toast-able strudel with apply-your-own-frosting packets. (Program starts Sunday, May 27th, get more information at CMEE.org)

3. PetFest Fashion Show + More (Southampton) - This just in: kids loving seeing dogs that also fit in purses dressed as funny things other than dogs, especially if it's their dog. Give them what they want (and more) at PetFest, with proceeds to benefit Last Chance Animal Rescue. (Saturday June 19th at 10AM, find more information at PetFestFun.com)

4. 23rd Annual Einstein Family Day Carnival (Bridgehampton) - Bringing the Wild West to the East End, the Albert Einstein School of Medicine is shelling out a kid-proof'd carnival with everything from pony rides, giant slides, arts and crafts, Lady Gaga tournaments, and - if the invite flyer is any indication - Christie Brinkley. Score! (Sunday, August 5th, purchase tickets at EinsteinFamilyDay.com)

5. 1st Annual Shelter Island Duck Race (Shelter Island) - In the spirit of Elmo and songs about bath toys, join the Shelter Island Chamber of Commerce in a sponsor-a-rubber-duck race down the "raging waters of Chase Creek" (their description), all in support of their annual Fireworks Display. (Sunday, Aug 19th at 1:30PM, get more information at ShelterIslandChamber.org)