Southampton - For writers like me, the week began with an inspirational windfall of mythic proportions.

The sun rose, the clouds parted, and the gods reached down from the heavens with outstretched hands and offered a gift greater than Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle and Charlie Sheen all rolled up in one.

Actress and Long Island native Lindsay Lohan (though many film critics might quibble with that designation) is suing eTrade, the retail investment website, because of eTrade's Super Bowl commercial. In it, two of the trademark eTrade babies, who speak with adult voices (and am I the only one who is creeped out by that?), argue boyfriend/girlfriend style about why the boy baby couldn't call his baby girlfriend the night before. His explanation was that he was on eTrade, but his girlfriend wasn't buying it.

"That milk-aholic Lindsay wasn't over, was she?" she asked. On cue, another girl baby steps into the camera's frame and asks in a trailer-trashy response, "Milk-a-what?"

Millions upon millions of television viewers thought, "Okay, that was creepy." But somewhere in Lohan's self-important, self-absorbed, highly self-aware mind, she felt the eyes of those millions upon her. She immediately knew in her heart that the executives at eTrade, their advertising agency cronies, the NFL, Peyton Manning and possibly a few former CIA agents were using this commercial that pimps to the dying breed of day-traders as part of a conspiracy to blacken her good name and profit from all her troubles with alcohol, drugs, public rages, paparazzi, her little-known addiction to Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and the aliens she's trapped in her pantry.

And from that moment on, Lindsay Lohan's world - which is clearly not unlike just about any scene out of "A Beautiful Mind" - would never be the same.

And among the vast ranks of late-night comedians, talk show hosts and two-bit hack columnists like myself, there was much rejoicing. Now we don't have to wait for Palin to shove both feet in her mouth like Kirstie Alley snarfing spare ribs at a Chinese buffet. Now, we have something that will feed our appetite for the bizarre and stupid for at least a month, maybe two.

But, let's give it the benefit of the doubt. In a public statement, here's what Lindsay's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, had to say about the matter:

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and eTrade is using that knowledge to profit - They used the name Lindsay - They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

Ovadia also said that Lohan was mistreated because eTrade failed to get her prior approval for naming the milk-aholic baby "Lindsay," Lindsay is now owed $50 million in exemplary damages and $50 million in compensatory damages.

Okay, I was wrong. It's official, the General Larry Platt needs to do a version of "Pants on the Ground" titled "Head Up Your Butt" about this one.

Lindsay, some unsolicited advice: Fire your attorney, fire your publicist, take a yoga class or whatever to get your head straight. No one thought it was you, except for you. No one really cares about your lawsuit (except to make fun of it) except for you. And if you keep on behaving like the world revolves around you and your petty public image, people will stop caring about you, period.